Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said
as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought
his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,
and into the hole he goooes."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
And he replied, 'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'
from "The gate of the year" a poem written by Minnie Louise Haskins in 1908
Sunday, September 10, 2006
This prayer was written by Reverend Lyndon Harris, who directed relief efforts at St. Paul's Chapel at Ground Zero in New York after 9/11
"O God, our times are in your hand. In the midst of uncertainty lead us by your never-failing grace as we seek to be agents of healing and hope. Walk with us through difficult times; watch over us in danger; and give to us a spirit of love and compassion for those who suffer and mourn. And finally remind us that you have promised never to leave us, so that even in the valley of the shadow of death your love may be felt, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Where there seems nothing to hold on to,
I can return to a spiritual sanctuary.
When I find a small symbol of hope,
I will treasure it and revisit my sacred store.
When I am free of limitations,
Then I will see a "bow of promise on the cloud"
And know His perfect provision of peace.
by Sally Lessiter, from her poem "The Return of the Dove to the Ark"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
16. Two Eskimo s sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.